My husband and I have been happily married since 1995, we have three healthy kids- Rachel (age 8), Noah (age 5), and Abigail (age 2). I never had any problems with any of my other pregnancies, and didn't expect to have any with this one either. On May 4, 2008, I had a positive pregnancy test and was given the due date of 1/10/09. I was not unduly excited about it- our attitude had been that if the Lord wanted us to have another child, we would- but we weren't trying to plan it either way. I was slightly concerned about the back aches, nausea and other generalized pregnancy symptoms I would have- as I am a homeschooling mom of 3 and need all my energy just for that each day- but knew the Lord would provide me the strength I would need each day. I had gotten through this 3 other times, surely I would again. In fact, my main concern was related to my weight loss and exercise regime. I had started in January of 2008 with Weight Watchers and a gym membership, and was finally dealing with my sin issues surrounding food. The following is a copy of a blog post I wrote around this time:
"Big News (or "little" News, however you want to say it)"
So, the latest and greatest info around here is that the husband and I are expecting a new little one sometime in January 2009. This is the fourth blessing from the Lord for our family, and we are ecstatic. The reactions have been varied and interesting:
1.) Hubby was very excited (he is hoping for boy #2- not that he doesn't totally love his girls), then he said, "Make sure you have it before the end of 2008 so we can get the tax deduction." Nice. The guy has a masters degree and 43 patents, but 3 kids later still hasn't gotten that I can't exactly PLAN this!
2.) My friend Mary screamed so loud, she literally burned a hole in my eardrum- I'm still waiting for the buzzing to wear off.
3.) My sister and best friend Terri both laughed and cried. She has been unable to have her own children- so it is always bittersweet for her. How do you know someone truly loves you? When they are happy for you, even while hurting for themselves-- and they don't let their hurt cloud over your happiness. That's just one reason why she's the best in the whole universe!
4.) My sister Aimee screamed so loud, she literally burned a hole in my other eardrum- guess I should've applied myself more to learning sign language, as I'm not sure how long the buzzing will last.
5.) The 22 year old trainer guy at the gym said, "Dude, you can totally work out right up until you pop". I'm not kidding, that was his real response to my question about restrictions in my exercise routine. To which I then promptly flicked him in the middle of his forehead for being a dweeb! (I made that last part up, but I wanted to, I really did).
6.) My mother and many friends at church are just totally excited and happy for us.
7.) Weight Watchers has kicked me out! Seriously, they don't have a pregnancy program because of "liability issues". My leader was very apologetic, but I think it stinks that they would do that- I understand that people aren't supposed to "try" to lose weight while they're pregnant, and I'm not wanting to do anything to harm or endanger this baby, but it's a healthy way to eat- so why not continue? In fact, with some modifications, I intend to.
That brings me to the last and most important reaction of all- God's. He is the one who started me on this journey, and He knew exactly where I would be in it when I found out this news. He is not surprised or perplexed, and He will not leave me to falter now. "Being confident of this very thing that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ". Phil. 1:6. I will continue and be victorious through Him, using the gym and WW as a tool, but counting on Him for my strength. In fact, He had already provided for me before I ever got to the meeting and knew I would need some other form of support and accountability. During the meeting time, there is opportunity for people who have reached significant goals to share a tip about their success. I had been somewhat hesitant to introduce the God portion of my weight loss, but I knew I couldn't keep quiet about it forever- and planned to use the time when I reached my 10% goal to testify to the Lord's deliverance for me from the bondage of this addiction. I wanted to be careful how I framed it- not because I'm ashamed, but for the very opposite reason- I wanted God to get the maximum glory for the success. At last week's meeting, our leader reminded us that one of the group members was featured in the WW newsletter- and her story is titled "With A Prayer". Her testimony is on the WW national website, and in it, she tells the world how she came to a place of total surrender and trust in the Lord to deliver her from her food addiction- much like my own story. I read it this week, and was encouraged to share my faith in the meeting as well. I was waiting for my 10% goal to be reached, and praying for God to give me the words to say.
Here's where God comes in perfectly- as He always does. I met my 10% off goal at this week's meeting- the last one I will be attending until after this baby is born. I was able to share about how God has been delivering me from this bondage, and encourage others to think about God and their need for Him as well. Mind you, I was a little conflicted emotionally, being somewhat disappointed after having heard about not being able to return, but my heavenly Father already had His plan in place to encourage me. After the meeting ended, Jane came up to me and invited me to a weekly bible study she runs for people struggling with weight issues.
Did you get the whole picture?
The God who created the entire universe and orders it's steps every day, cared enough to already have a plan in place for me to continue in an even better fellowship than the one I was leaving! Not only did I get the reward of my 10% off key chain as a visual reminder of His deliverance, but the "hug" from Him that He already knew what my need would be, had provided a solution, and showed it to me so readily. You can call it coincidence if you like, but I know better! That's the best reaction yet. Praise the Lord!
So, Eric and I were excited- but in a nonchalant way. I think if we had known we would lose this baby- we surely would've been more careful in our reaction. One of the things God is teaching me through this experience is not to take things for granted. I certainly would've prayed every day for the baby- something I am ashamed to admit I didn't do. I wouldn't have wasted time worrying about my eating plan or exercise- but would've accepted whatever the Lord had for me, readily, and without complaint. Oh, the beauty and pain of hindsight!
******************************************************************
My first doctor's visit was scheduled for June 4th, and I was to have a visit on May 19th with a nurse to go over my medical history. At the time I found out I was pregnant, I was just getting over a sinus infection, and the next week, I got the stomach flu. I actually had to cancel my first visit with the nurse because I was vomiting all day. When I told the office how ill I was, they encouraged me to get re-hydrated as soon as possible. In fact, they wanted me to go into the hospital for IV hydration if I was unable to get a certain amount of fluid in within the next few hours. I did not want to go into the hospital because my diarrhea was so bad, I couldn't even get to my own bathroom in time- never mind having an IV pole and having to wait for a nurse to let me go!
Of course, after David died, I wondered if I had made the right decision. Perhaps at that stage of pregnancy, the dehydration was too much for the developing baby. I wondered about the high fever I had, the medication I had taken for the nausea and vomiting. I wondered about the antibiotics I took for the sinus infection the week before. I wondered about my eating and exercise regime- although I was certainly the most healthy of all my pregnancies with this one. Perhaps the most painful thought of all was that since my initial reaction had an element of distaste in it- maybe God had "taken away" my blessing. As I have tried to find a "reason" such have my thoughts been at various times, and of course I have tried to blame myself.
*****************************************************************
The reality is that the God of the universe, who created my son in my womb, decided for whatever His reason/purpose, to take David directly to heaven. Even in the midst of all that I experienced, I have never doubted that. I have been angered, saddened, even depressed about that at times, but have never doubted it.
Psalm 22:9-10 states, "But thou art He that took me out of the womb, thou didst make me hope when I was upon my mother's breasts. I was cast upon thee from the womb, thou art my God from my mother's belly."
******************************************************************
I really believe that God was not surprised by my reaction either. He knew exactly where I would be when this pregnancy occurred- and this is all part of His perfect plan for me and my life.
Jeremiah 29:11 says, ""For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.""
I had prayed when I found out I was pregnant, and asked God "Why now? I am finally getting a hold of this sin with food addiction- don't you want me to focus on that now?" and believe His answer was: "Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is His reward." Psalm 127: 3
So, I really believed that this baby was my reward for being obedient to dealing with the weight/food issue, and when the baby died, I could not understand why God "took my reward away".
I have since come to believe that my reward has not been taken away- but exists for me now in heaven. God did not take my reward away- my son is alive with Him in heaven- I just have to wait to get it.
********************************************************
No comments:
Post a Comment